OK, so it has been a few weeks since I last wrote on this blog. Originally I had wanted to write far more often but, my plans have not worked thus far, for a number of reasons and none of which are important right now.
What is important is to get my current thoughts and feelings down here.
Before I go any further it is important to note I will be talking about subejects that are sensitive and could be triggering for some people so, please be advised that this is a TRIGGER WARNING. If you feel you may be triggered by anything the title suggests please feel free not to read on. If you do read on I will leave some helpful phone numbers at the end which you can call...
Yesterday was the day that many people gathered in Taunton, Somerset to walk in order to raise awareness of Suicide Prevention and to launch a brand new scheme called the Orange Button Scheme (More on that shortly). The walk was originally scheduled for World Suicide Prevention Day back on 10th September. However, this was cancelled due to the death of the Queen.
I knew of the event from the Somerset Suicide Bereavement Support Service (SSBSS) and decided to attend with my wife Andrea. Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day and one that was far warmer than the time of year suggested it would be. We arrived at the Stragglers Coffee house, Taunton Cricket Ground shortly before the walk began. There were a number of stalls including Mind, SSBSS, The Samaritans, Somerset Big Tent (Young Persons Group) and Stepladder (Mens Mental Health).
Before the walk there was a brief introduction and it was at this point the statistics really hit you. Across the world someone takes their own life every 45 seconds, that really impacts your thinking, especially when you consider that our walk lasted around an hour and in that time Eighty people would chose to leave this earth. It is a very sobering thought.
We walked through Taunton doing a loop of Vivary Park. While in Vivary Park we stopped at a bench which was donated by Netflix for the series After Life. It is next to a wonderful sensory garden and here we laid roses on the bench and remembered the daughters, sons, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, neices, nephews and other loved ones and yes, tears were shead...
We collected our thoughts and completed the walk. Once back in the coffee house we spoke to people and signed up for the Orange Button scheme. This is a brand new scheme of which Somerset is one of the first to take on. With some free training it allows people like us, professionals or not, to display an Orange Button that says to others that you are open to listen, support and help signpost them to the help they might need. For someone like myself, with my own grief, it is important that you wear your button when you are able to and i have no illusions that there will be times when I will not be able to But, when I can wear it I will be able to listen, I will not shy away from listening to someone about suicide and I will be able to help them get the proffessional help they need.
The walk yesterday and speaking to others made me aware of a great many things. I realised how much we never spoke on things like suicide while I was growing up. It was only as I got older that it became something you heard about. It has also become a far more common occurance to hear about it in more recent years. But, when you are personally affected by it, it becomes something that touches you far more deeply than you ever thought anything could.
The grief you experience day-to-day is different for everyone, i have no doubt about that. For everyone who experiences this form of grief, one thing is common and that is you never really know when something will trigger you. Yes, there are times when you know you are going to feel sad, and it will hurt so much but, it is the triggers that creep on on you that are the hardest. It might be a song heard in a shop or on the radio, a photo of your loved one, something they gave you or walking past a sjop and seeing something they loved. It does not always trigger you, sometimes you smile and laugh and other times it triggers tears and a pain inside that feels like it will never pass. For me, I have these times when I know that grief will hit me later, may be hours or days later, as you are thinking over what has been. It was as such following this walk, this morning I awoke with a deep sadness and that horrible sence, that I am sure so many experience, that it's not real and is all a bad dream. Them comes those tiring sad thoughts that you should not be on that walk but, you were, you walked alongside adults and children who had all lost someone. You ask yourself why? Why me, why my daughter and why any of those people were there...
It hurts and you cry, you feel a pain you cannot describe, one that does not go away but, sits quietly, waiting for the next time it will reach out and touch you...
If you are like me you realise that you have to do something, you need to stand shoulder to shoulder with the others. You want to be the rock, the shoulder to cry on or arms to hug because you know that you will need that too...
You also want to stand up and literally scream out "My Daughter, my loved, did not commit anything, she did nothing wrong, she was not being selfish in her decision. What she did was probably the bravest decision anyone can make. She chose to end the pain and to be with all those she loved in the one way she could touch them all".
Would I not like to be in this situation, damn right I wouldn't. However, as I am, I will be ready, whenever I can be to be a beacon of light to others, I will happily be ready for someone who is struggling,to be there and to offer that ear that will truly listen, to support them in getting the help they need and if that means I am only ever able to help just one person, then I will have achieved more than I ever thought I would. But, ultimately and alongide my wife Andrea, there is a desire to do more. To give those who are struggling a safe place where they can come to take time out, to remember who they are and to just be. We have no idea how long it will take but, one day it will be a reality. So, keep watch and please look for Deanie's Place on Facebook, that is our starting point because Deanie would always be the one to help her friends and if we can continue that spirit in order to help those who are struggling inside, we can achieve so much...
Well, I am going to leave it there for today.
I send my love and respect to everyone who walked yesterday.
I also send my thanks to Somerset Suicide Bereavent Support Service for all they have done and continue to do for myself and all those bereaved by suicide.
Remember, whoever you are, you are NOT alone. It is ok to reach out and speak to someone, andmost of all remember one thing "You Are LOVED."
Steve
Helpful Contacts:
Mind Line - 01823 276 892 or 0800 138 1692 or 0300 123 3393 (9am-6pm weekdays)
Samaritans - 116 123
Campaign Against Miserable living - 0800 58 58 58 (5pm - Midnight)
The Mix (for under 25) - 0808 808 4994 (4pm - 11pm)
