It's the weekend,
So, I chose today as the day that I go live with this new blog.
I think the reason for that was mainly because I have a lot of stuff churning over in my mind and, to be perfectly honest, I have not been myself since last Friday, 09th September, when I attended the 'Say My Name' event organised by Somerset Suicide Berevement Support.
That evening I stepped out and stood up infront of others who had lost children, husbands, fathers, wives and mothers. I briefly spoke about my daughter Deanie before heading a poem, If Tomorrow Starts Without me. It was one of the hardest things i have ever done and i did not make it through without tears and pauses to compose myself as much as i could.
Why that poem?
When Deanie made that strond decision that this life was not for her, she did so leaving no explanation, no note and so I looked through search history for the web and YouTube and a couple of poems stood out and this was one of them. For me it helps explain some of her thoughts behind why she chose to leave and i felt that it would be a piece of writing that others might find comfort in...
Never underestimate the power of grief. Since i stood and read that poem, I have not been able to function as normal. I have not been able to write my music reviews and not had much strength or motivation to do very much. It does not help that my Fibromyalgia and Plantar Fisciitis has been causing me a lot of pain too. Which has made walking much harder, as indeed is anything physical, plus the brainfog really does suck...
With all this going on, I could have called someone, the Mind help line, my Suicide Berevement Buddy but, i chose to confide only in my wife Andrea and to mahe the decision to create this blog. Actually, that is not strictly true as I told a couple of people a brief bit of the story at the Engage Somerset, Through The Lens event on Wednesday. I had to do that as I was unable to stay at the event with the prospect that people might ask for the story behind my photos, and i could not do that in that moment...
In amongst all that the house has had to be cleaned and tidied for an angents inspection. Now one thing you should do with fibromyalgia is stay away from stress... Yeah, right... Preping for these inspections is always stressful because it is like you are being treated as caretakers and not as someone living in a home... That has added to me feeling like i'm completely done in. There are some other factors but, they are a small part and not that important right now. When Andrea and I moved here with my son Rowan and our Cats, we simply expected to be allowed to live and not to be treated so poorly after the first inspection, things have improved but, the effects of the letter sent after that first inspection are far reaching and have caused a lot of stress in the years since.
Anyway, i have probably said enough for now, with where my head is at.
So, if anyone else out there experiences day to day life like this in total or in part that know that you are not alone. It is always ok to ask for help, reach out and speak out.
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend whatevet for are doing.
Steve
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