Getting hit with a curve ball

Less than a week after the second anniversary of the loss of my daughter, a huge curve ball hit me on the night of the 20th October. 

As I settled into bed I noticed an email notification from the Irish Garda. 

I probably should have left reading it until this morning to read but, I  couldn't settle and so I read it...

The email was to inform me that a date was now set for the inquest into Deanies suicide. 

It will be two weeks from today,  4th November. 

This has hit hard as this will end over two years of waiting. 

Then this morning I received a second email that was to inform me of the format of the inquest this email was too difficult to read and did bring me to tears.

The realisation that I will soon have all the details and, eventually, the death certificate has caused a lot of emotional upset. 

I have struggled to control my pain, my grief. 

I will also need to attend the inquest on my own for reasons that not important but, I will have my eldest daughter and her sister so, I'm not going to be alone.

There really is not much more I can say right now but, I had to get this out...

Anniversary of a loss

It is very difficult to write this today. 

Today marks the second anniversary that Deanie made her choice to leave this life.

It was very late this evening that she left.

That is providing the inquest does not say different and give the date as 17th?

Yes, two years later the inquest has still not happened and so, I do not know the date and time.

How does it feetears l to be here, in this moment?

It is very hard  right now.

I have been awake since 05:15. Whist stood in my bathroom, I experienced a couple of flashes of light that seemed to originate outside. As I opened the window and peered into the darkness, there was nothing. What that was, I can't explain...

I made some tea and returned to bed where I wrote some words ready to share later and listened to the track we have made her song, See You Again by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth. I have also cried many tears. 

It is honestly hard to put into words how it feels.

The pain you feel can keep up on you hitting you harder than you expected,  as it has for me.

It is not all pain and tears, there are lighter moments when you can write or remember fun times and plan to celebrate.

Today I will be eating foods I should not, having sweet treats and enjoying it, the way I know Deanie would have.

Andrea and I shall be lighting a candle for her at the Glastonbury Chalice Well Gardens later and also putting her photo on the Glastonbury Memorial Tree too.

So there will lots of happy things as well as tears and sadness but, you kinda have to have both, bringing balance to the day.

There are also others to consider too. Many others miss her and it is important to spare a thought for them too.

I do my best to remember that, even though it might be  hard to at times, because we all need to talk or at least have  that space held for us to, whether we chose to talk or not.

There is not much more I can say right now as I am feeling the tears coming once more.

All I will say is that I Love You Deanie xxx

I look forward to hugging away the pain,

When I see you again xxx

Dad

Walk For Life 2022, Suicide and Grief

 

OK, so it has been a few weeks since I last wrote on this blog. Originally I had wanted to write far more often but, my plans have not worked thus far, for a number of reasons and none of which are important right now.

What is important is to get my current thoughts and feelings down here.

Before I go any further it is important to note I will be talking about subejects that are sensitive and could be triggering for some people so, please be advised that this is a TRIGGER WARNING. If you feel you may be triggered by anything the title suggests please feel free not to read on. If you do read on I will leave some helpful phone numbers at the end which you can call...

Yesterday was the day that many people gathered in Taunton, Somerset to walk in order to raise awareness of Suicide Prevention and to launch a brand new scheme called the Orange Button Scheme (More on that shortly). The walk was originally scheduled for World Suicide Prevention Day back on 10th September. However, this was cancelled due to the death of the Queen.

I knew of the event from the Somerset Suicide Bereavement Support Service (SSBSS) and decided to attend with my wife Andrea. Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day and one that was far warmer than the time of year suggested it would be. We arrived at the Stragglers Coffee house, Taunton Cricket Ground shortly before the walk began. There were a number of stalls including Mind, SSBSS, The Samaritans, Somerset Big Tent (Young Persons Group) and Stepladder (Mens Mental Health). 

Before the walk there was a brief introduction and it was at this point the statistics really hit you. Across the world someone takes their own life every 45 seconds, that really impacts your thinking, especially when you consider that our walk lasted around an hour and in that time Eighty people would chose to leave this earth. It is a very sobering thought.

We walked through Taunton doing a loop of Vivary Park. While in Vivary Park we stopped at a bench which was donated by Netflix for the series After Life. It is next to a wonderful sensory garden and here we laid roses on the bench and remembered the daughters, sons, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, neices, nephews and other loved ones and yes, tears were shead...

We collected our thoughts and completed the walk. Once back in the coffee house we spoke to people and signed up for the Orange Button scheme. This is a brand new scheme of which Somerset is one of the first to take on. With some free training it allows people like us, professionals or not, to display an Orange Button that says to others that you are open to listen, support and help signpost them to the help they might need. For someone like myself, with my own grief, it is important that you wear your button when you are able to and i have no illusions that there will be times when I will not be able to But, when I can wear it I will be able to listen, I will not shy away from listening to someone about suicide and I will be able to help them get the proffessional help they need.

The walk yesterday and speaking to others made me aware of a great many things. I realised how much we never spoke on things like suicide while I was growing up. It was only as I got older that it became something you heard about. It has also become a far more common occurance to hear about it in more recent years. But, when you are personally affected by it, it becomes something that touches you far more deeply than you ever thought anything could.

The grief you experience day-to-day is different for everyone, i have no doubt about that. For everyone who experiences this form of grief, one thing is common and that is you never really know when something will trigger you. Yes, there are times when you know you are going to feel sad, and it will hurt so much but, it is the triggers that creep on on you that are the hardest. It might be a song heard in a shop or on the radio, a photo of your loved one, something they gave you or walking past a sjop and seeing something they loved. It does not always trigger you, sometimes you smile and laugh and other times it triggers tears and a pain inside that feels like it will never pass. For me, I have these times when I know that grief will hit me later, may be hours or days later, as you are thinking over what has been. It was as such following this walk, this morning I awoke with a deep sadness and that horrible sence, that I am sure so many experience, that it's not real and is all a bad dream. Them comes those tiring sad thoughts that you should not be on that walk but, you were, you walked alongside adults and children who had all lost someone. You ask yourself why? Why me, why my daughter and why any of those people were there...

It hurts and you cry, you feel a pain you cannot describe, one that does not go away but, sits quietly, waiting for the next time it will reach out and touch you...

If you are like me you realise that you have to do something, you need to stand shoulder to shoulder with the others. You want to be the rock, the shoulder to cry on or arms to hug because you know that you will need that too...

You also want to stand up and literally scream out "My Daughter, my loved, did not commit anything, she did nothing wrong, she was not being selfish in her decision. What she did was probably the bravest decision anyone can make. She chose to end the pain and to be with all those she loved in the one way she could touch them all".

Would I not like to be in this situation, damn right I wouldn't. However, as I am, I will be ready, whenever I can be to be a beacon of light to others, I will happily be ready for someone who is struggling,to be there and to offer that ear that will truly listen, to support them in getting the help they need and if that means I am only ever able to help just one person, then I will have achieved more than I ever thought I would. But, ultimately and alongide my wife Andrea, there is a desire to do more. To give those who are struggling a safe place where they can come to take time out, to remember who they are and to just be. We have no idea how long it will take but, one day it will be a reality. So, keep watch and please look for Deanie's Place on Facebook, that is our starting point because Deanie would always be the one to help her friends and if we can continue that spirit in order to help those who are struggling inside, we can achieve so much...

Well, I am going to leave it there for today.

I send my love and respect to everyone who walked yesterday.

I also send my thanks to Somerset Suicide Bereavent Support Service for all they have done and continue to do for myself and all those bereaved by suicide.

Remember, whoever you are, you are NOT alone. It is ok to reach out and speak to someone, andmost of all remember one thing "You Are LOVED."

Steve

Helpful Contacts:

Mind Line - 01823 276 892 or 0800 138 1692 or 0300 123 3393 (9am-6pm weekdays)

Samaritans - 116 123

Campaign Against Miserable living - 0800 58 58 58 (5pm - Midnight)

The Mix (for under 25) - 0808 808 4994 (4pm - 11pm)

  

Behind the Grief - 18th Sept 2022

 

Hey Everyone,

Before reading this, let please give you a trigger warning. This is a tough one for me as I am going to be talking about some of the stories behind my grief so, please be warned that you may find this upsetting...

Thank you, Steve.

 

For those of you who have followed my social media, you will know some of my story But, let lay some of these cards out right here and give you some of the background behind the grief.

Losing Deanie was not my first experience of Grief...

My first introduction to grief was the loss of a beloved pet in 1979 and the loss of pets should never be underestimated.

In July of 1995 I lost my mum to cancer. This was probably the most hard hitting loss following the death of my grandfather, her father, also to cancer in 1984/85. She had already got through it once, going into remission for some time but, when it returned it was truly relentless. I had spent the last few weeks of my mum's life helping my dad look after her, at home. Her last moments were the most peaceful experience I can ever remember, it was like the whole world stopped for a few moments. It took me more than 15 years to come to some sort of peace with losing my mum. 

The thing is when you are expecting a death, it gives a whole different dimension to grief than if you are not expecting it. You deal with it differently, initially as you have spent time, almost preparing yourself for it. The grief hits more later, it did for me, when she was not there for the birth of my children, was not there when I needed a mum's advice etc.

Another level of grief hit me in January of 2002. At this time I was still with my ten partner who was the mother of my kids. we were expecting our fourth child. However, following a routine check up she was told that they could not find a heart beat. In panic we rushed to the hospital, leaving the kids with our neighbour, once at the hospital our worst fears were realised and were told that the baby had passed away. We had to return to the hospital the next day for the baby to be born. Trust me when I say that this was hard as a father but, I was not the one who had to give birth. I can never know that pain. When Kyla was born we did not have much time with her and were told she could not be registered as a birth due to not being enough months into gestation. I will never forget what the nurse told me that day, "Sometimes a child is so special that they do not need to be born into this world". Now that kind of grief is almost indescribable, you have no way of preparing just as you have no way of preparing for many losses. Kyla would have been 20 this year and just because I do not post on social about her birthday or similar, does not mean I do not think of her. Am I at peace with this loss? I think I am but, it is no less painful at times.

There have been many other losses along the way, my grandparents and many furry friends who have captured my heart. I have chosen to hold so many of those beloved pets as they quietly slipped from this life and each time pain has been beyond explanation.

When my mum passed away and she was survived by her own mum. I couldn't conceive what that pain must have been like for her. Fast forward to October 2020, on the evening of 16th I went to bed and slept till 6am as I had taken Amitriptaline. When I woke i looked at my phone, which i don't normally do, there was a message from my Daughter Larissa, she said that Deanie had tried to take her life and they were not sure if she was gonna pull through. I was still half asleep and foggy from the medication. I simply replied and thanked her and asked her to keep me updated. She replied almost straight away with the message "She's Gone"... 

I had no way of understanding what was happening. I had spoken to Deanie on messenger on three days ago. By this time I was downstairs and slumped under the lounge table and I simply cried out. Some sort of weird bubble surrounded me and reality simply fucked off. Larissa video called me and we just looked at each other numbly. I slowly pulled myself off the floor as I knew I need to tell Andrea and Rowan, how I did that just seemed like in a dream. I felt that my heart had been torn out and that perhaps, just perhaps, this was some nightmare but, sadly as the sun rose and the tears fell, it was no dream, just a dark reality.

I had not seen Deanie since 2018, for Andrea, Rowan and the rest of the family it was longer. I was now faced with the pain of telling everyone and worse I now understood the pain my nan had experienced all those years ago.

That Saturday morning, my Dad and brothers came here and we joined together in our grief but, also to remember the good times and we did smile and laugh together.

Since that time we have had our own rememberance, celebrated her birthdays and shed more tears than there is sand on a beach. Covid meant we could not go to her funeral and there is still closure to be had as I am still awaiting a date for the Irish inquest. When that date is eventually set, I will be heading to Ireland with Andrea and Rowan, if he would like to come. We will visit places and meet people special to her...

Nothing can prepare you for the loss of a loved one to suicide. It is multiplied when you have not seen that person for years as they lived in another country, that is another level of pain and add to that the thought I had heard all those years ago, A Parent Should Never Outlive a Child, that is pain that can never be truly described...

There is so much I could say here, more details I could tell you but, I think you get the gist here, perhaps i'll talk more about those things another time? 

I actually changed this post as I wrote because I was actually going to talk about the story of events leading up to and after the loss of Deanie, losing my job and my treatment by the employer i had during that time But, that can wait for another time...

Till next time, 

Enjoy the rest of your weekend,

One Love,

Steve. 

17th September 2022

 It's the weekend,

So, I chose today as the day that I go live with this new blog.

I think the reason for that was mainly because I have a lot of stuff churning over in my mind and, to be perfectly honest, I have not been myself since last Friday, 09th September, when I attended the 'Say My Name' event organised by Somerset Suicide Berevement Support.

That evening I stepped out and stood up infront of others who had lost children, husbands, fathers, wives and mothers. I briefly spoke about my daughter Deanie before heading a poem, If Tomorrow Starts Without me. It was one of the hardest things i have ever done and i did not make it through without tears and pauses to compose myself as much as i could.

Why that poem? 

When Deanie made that strond decision that this life was not for her, she did so leaving no explanation, no note and so I looked through search history for the web and YouTube and a couple of poems stood out and this was one of them. For me it helps explain some of her thoughts behind why she chose to leave and i felt that it would be a piece of writing that others might find comfort in...

Never underestimate the power of grief. Since i stood and read that poem, I have not been able to function as normal. I have not been able to write my music reviews and not had much strength or motivation to do very much. It does not help that my Fibromyalgia and Plantar Fisciitis has been causing me a lot of pain too. Which has made walking much harder, as indeed is anything physical, plus the brainfog really does suck...

With all this going on, I could have called someone, the Mind help line, my Suicide Berevement Buddy but, i chose to confide only in my wife Andrea and to mahe the decision to create this blog. Actually, that is not strictly true as I told a couple of people a brief bit of the story at the Engage Somerset, Through The Lens event on Wednesday. I had to do that as I was unable to stay at the event with the prospect that people might ask for the story behind my photos, and i could not do that in that moment...

In amongst all that the house has had to be cleaned and tidied for an angents inspection. Now one thing you should do with fibromyalgia is stay away from stress... Yeah, right... Preping for these inspections is always stressful because it is like you are being treated as caretakers and not as someone living in a home... That has added to me feeling like i'm completely done in. There are some other factors but, they are a small part and not that important right now. When Andrea and I moved here with my son Rowan and our Cats, we simply expected to be allowed to live and not to be treated so poorly after the first inspection, things have improved but, the effects of the letter sent after that first inspection are far reaching and have caused a lot of stress in the years since.

Anyway, i have probably said enough for now, with where my head is at.

So, if anyone else out there experiences day to day life like this in total or in part that know that you are not alone. It is always ok to ask for help, reach out and speak out.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend whatevet for are doing.

Steve

Behind The Infinite - What's It All About?

 Behind The Infinite

What's It All About?

Hi Everyone,

Before I write anything on this blog, the best thing for me to do would be to give you the lowdown on what it will be about and why I called it Behind The Infinite...

Way back in 2017 I began two blogs, Infinite Realities Investigations and Infinite Sounds UK. 

Now Infinite Realities might currently be on a hiatus but, it does not mean I will never post there again. I started that blog to deal with one of my interests, that being the study of Anomalous Phenomena. Anything from Ghosts to Ufology, Ancient Sites to Cryptozoology, Energy Healing and beyond. The Paranormal and such like has always been of great interest to me and along the way I have been involved in several Paranormal research groups, set up one and been the secretary of the Southampton UFO Group (sadly now closed). I have seen and experienced many things I have no rational explanations for and my interest continues to this day.

As for Infinite Sounds UK, that is another story and one that I plan to put into book format. To cut a long story short I wanted to write reviews that were comprehensive and told you whole story of an album, EP or single, to give you a deeper insight to why you should, or even should not, buy a particular release. I also wanted to incorporate some aspect of the spiritual insights I had gained throughout my life and so I began to listen to music and see how it made me feel on a deep level, beyond just hearing it. After a while I began to feel I was getting in touch with the energy behind the music and I decided to put that to good use and began to write what I was feeling. As my writing evolved the blog has become a go to place for reviews that are unlike anything you might have read, it is also a place where many artists come on a regular basis.

Beyond the blogs I saw the opportunity to create a group that would house all the things I enjoy under one umbrela name, that name would be Infinite. So, I decided to go beyond the blogs and made, after some tweeking, Infinite Images to use for and photos or videos I might produce and felt that if anything else came up I just needed to incorporate the Infinite tag to it in some way. 

So, when I decided it might be a good idea, as much on a personal level as any, to create a blog that would detail my daily ups and downs in life, to incorporate it into the Infinite brand and so, eventually, i came up with Behind The Infinite, because the aim here is to write about what goes on behind the blogs, behind the music, behind the pictures, behind it all. We all have a life behind what the outside world see's and this will help you see a bit more of mine...

What can you expect from this blog?

To be honest, I plan to write about anything that comes to mind. My journey through Grief, my Anxiety Disorder, ADD and whatever comes up from everyday life, one day to the next. I plan to be brutally honest as I write, which means there will be coarse language, pain, tears and discussions that might be upsetting or triggering but, I will do my best to forewarn the reader where possible.

Please feel free to read what I write But, if you find something too much or too offensive, please go not get angry or report me. Remember everything I write is my own viewpoint and my own experiences, it's my life. I do not intent to upset, anger or offend anyone. All I will be doing is sharing my thoughts and emotions into words to help myself and if, along the way, my words are able to help someone understand that there are times that is OK not to be ok and it is OK to reach out and ask for help, to open up to someone, anything that serves to help you to be you and for you to be OK, then I will have really achieved something special.

I think that will be enough for now,

The next post will start the journey,

Till then, Be safe and be strong but, more to the point, Be Yourself...

Steve