Hey Everyone,
Before reading this, let please give you a trigger warning. This is a tough one for me as I am going to be talking about some of the stories behind my grief so, please be warned that you may find this upsetting...
Thank you, Steve.
For those of you who have followed my social media, you will know some of my story But, let lay some of these cards out right here and give you some of the background behind the grief.
Losing Deanie was not my first experience of Grief...
My first introduction to grief was the loss of a beloved pet in 1979 and the loss of pets should never be underestimated.
In July of 1995 I lost my mum to cancer. This was probably the most hard hitting loss following the death of my grandfather, her father, also to cancer in 1984/85. She had already got through it once, going into remission for some time but, when it returned it was truly relentless. I had spent the last few weeks of my mum's life helping my dad look after her, at home. Her last moments were the most peaceful experience I can ever remember, it was like the whole world stopped for a few moments. It took me more than 15 years to come to some sort of peace with losing my mum.
The thing is when you are expecting a death, it gives a whole different dimension to grief than if you are not expecting it. You deal with it differently, initially as you have spent time, almost preparing yourself for it. The grief hits more later, it did for me, when she was not there for the birth of my children, was not there when I needed a mum's advice etc.
Another level of grief hit me in January of 2002. At this time I was still with my ten partner who was the mother of my kids. we were expecting our fourth child. However, following a routine check up she was told that they could not find a heart beat. In panic we rushed to the hospital, leaving the kids with our neighbour, once at the hospital our worst fears were realised and were told that the baby had passed away. We had to return to the hospital the next day for the baby to be born. Trust me when I say that this was hard as a father but, I was not the one who had to give birth. I can never know that pain. When Kyla was born we did not have much time with her and were told she could not be registered as a birth due to not being enough months into gestation. I will never forget what the nurse told me that day, "Sometimes a child is so special that they do not need to be born into this world". Now that kind of grief is almost indescribable, you have no way of preparing just as you have no way of preparing for many losses. Kyla would have been 20 this year and just because I do not post on social about her birthday or similar, does not mean I do not think of her. Am I at peace with this loss? I think I am but, it is no less painful at times.
There have been many other losses along the way, my grandparents and many furry friends who have captured my heart. I have chosen to hold so many of those beloved pets as they quietly slipped from this life and each time pain has been beyond explanation.
When my mum passed away and she was survived by her own mum. I couldn't conceive what that pain must have been like for her. Fast forward to October 2020, on the evening of 16th I went to bed and slept till 6am as I had taken Amitriptaline. When I woke i looked at my phone, which i don't normally do, there was a message from my Daughter Larissa, she said that Deanie had tried to take her life and they were not sure if she was gonna pull through. I was still half asleep and foggy from the medication. I simply replied and thanked her and asked her to keep me updated. She replied almost straight away with the message "She's Gone"...
I had no way of understanding what was happening. I had spoken to Deanie on messenger on three days ago. By this time I was downstairs and slumped under the lounge table and I simply cried out. Some sort of weird bubble surrounded me and reality simply fucked off. Larissa video called me and we just looked at each other numbly. I slowly pulled myself off the floor as I knew I need to tell Andrea and Rowan, how I did that just seemed like in a dream. I felt that my heart had been torn out and that perhaps, just perhaps, this was some nightmare but, sadly as the sun rose and the tears fell, it was no dream, just a dark reality.
I had not seen Deanie since 2018, for Andrea, Rowan and the rest of the family it was longer. I was now faced with the pain of telling everyone and worse I now understood the pain my nan had experienced all those years ago.
That Saturday morning, my Dad and brothers came here and we joined together in our grief but, also to remember the good times and we did smile and laugh together.
Since that time we have had our own rememberance, celebrated her birthdays and shed more tears than there is sand on a beach. Covid meant we could not go to her funeral and there is still closure to be had as I am still awaiting a date for the Irish inquest. When that date is eventually set, I will be heading to Ireland with Andrea and Rowan, if he would like to come. We will visit places and meet people special to her...
Nothing can prepare you for the loss of a loved one to suicide. It is multiplied when you have not seen that person for years as they lived in another country, that is another level of pain and add to that the thought I had heard all those years ago, A Parent Should Never Outlive a Child, that is pain that can never be truly described...
There is so much I could say here, more details I could tell you but, I think you get the gist here, perhaps i'll talk more about those things another time?
I actually changed this post as I wrote because I was actually going to talk about the story of events leading up to and after the loss of Deanie, losing my job and my treatment by the employer i had during that time But, that can wait for another time...
Till next time,
Enjoy the rest of your weekend,
One Love,
Steve.
No comments:
Post a Comment