Behind the Grief - 18th Sept 2022

 

Hey Everyone,

Before reading this, let please give you a trigger warning. This is a tough one for me as I am going to be talking about some of the stories behind my grief so, please be warned that you may find this upsetting...

Thank you, Steve.

 

For those of you who have followed my social media, you will know some of my story But, let lay some of these cards out right here and give you some of the background behind the grief.

Losing Deanie was not my first experience of Grief...

My first introduction to grief was the loss of a beloved pet in 1979 and the loss of pets should never be underestimated.

In July of 1995 I lost my mum to cancer. This was probably the most hard hitting loss following the death of my grandfather, her father, also to cancer in 1984/85. She had already got through it once, going into remission for some time but, when it returned it was truly relentless. I had spent the last few weeks of my mum's life helping my dad look after her, at home. Her last moments were the most peaceful experience I can ever remember, it was like the whole world stopped for a few moments. It took me more than 15 years to come to some sort of peace with losing my mum. 

The thing is when you are expecting a death, it gives a whole different dimension to grief than if you are not expecting it. You deal with it differently, initially as you have spent time, almost preparing yourself for it. The grief hits more later, it did for me, when she was not there for the birth of my children, was not there when I needed a mum's advice etc.

Another level of grief hit me in January of 2002. At this time I was still with my ten partner who was the mother of my kids. we were expecting our fourth child. However, following a routine check up she was told that they could not find a heart beat. In panic we rushed to the hospital, leaving the kids with our neighbour, once at the hospital our worst fears were realised and were told that the baby had passed away. We had to return to the hospital the next day for the baby to be born. Trust me when I say that this was hard as a father but, I was not the one who had to give birth. I can never know that pain. When Kyla was born we did not have much time with her and were told she could not be registered as a birth due to not being enough months into gestation. I will never forget what the nurse told me that day, "Sometimes a child is so special that they do not need to be born into this world". Now that kind of grief is almost indescribable, you have no way of preparing just as you have no way of preparing for many losses. Kyla would have been 20 this year and just because I do not post on social about her birthday or similar, does not mean I do not think of her. Am I at peace with this loss? I think I am but, it is no less painful at times.

There have been many other losses along the way, my grandparents and many furry friends who have captured my heart. I have chosen to hold so many of those beloved pets as they quietly slipped from this life and each time pain has been beyond explanation.

When my mum passed away and she was survived by her own mum. I couldn't conceive what that pain must have been like for her. Fast forward to October 2020, on the evening of 16th I went to bed and slept till 6am as I had taken Amitriptaline. When I woke i looked at my phone, which i don't normally do, there was a message from my Daughter Larissa, she said that Deanie had tried to take her life and they were not sure if she was gonna pull through. I was still half asleep and foggy from the medication. I simply replied and thanked her and asked her to keep me updated. She replied almost straight away with the message "She's Gone"... 

I had no way of understanding what was happening. I had spoken to Deanie on messenger on three days ago. By this time I was downstairs and slumped under the lounge table and I simply cried out. Some sort of weird bubble surrounded me and reality simply fucked off. Larissa video called me and we just looked at each other numbly. I slowly pulled myself off the floor as I knew I need to tell Andrea and Rowan, how I did that just seemed like in a dream. I felt that my heart had been torn out and that perhaps, just perhaps, this was some nightmare but, sadly as the sun rose and the tears fell, it was no dream, just a dark reality.

I had not seen Deanie since 2018, for Andrea, Rowan and the rest of the family it was longer. I was now faced with the pain of telling everyone and worse I now understood the pain my nan had experienced all those years ago.

That Saturday morning, my Dad and brothers came here and we joined together in our grief but, also to remember the good times and we did smile and laugh together.

Since that time we have had our own rememberance, celebrated her birthdays and shed more tears than there is sand on a beach. Covid meant we could not go to her funeral and there is still closure to be had as I am still awaiting a date for the Irish inquest. When that date is eventually set, I will be heading to Ireland with Andrea and Rowan, if he would like to come. We will visit places and meet people special to her...

Nothing can prepare you for the loss of a loved one to suicide. It is multiplied when you have not seen that person for years as they lived in another country, that is another level of pain and add to that the thought I had heard all those years ago, A Parent Should Never Outlive a Child, that is pain that can never be truly described...

There is so much I could say here, more details I could tell you but, I think you get the gist here, perhaps i'll talk more about those things another time? 

I actually changed this post as I wrote because I was actually going to talk about the story of events leading up to and after the loss of Deanie, losing my job and my treatment by the employer i had during that time But, that can wait for another time...

Till next time, 

Enjoy the rest of your weekend,

One Love,

Steve. 

17th September 2022

 It's the weekend,

So, I chose today as the day that I go live with this new blog.

I think the reason for that was mainly because I have a lot of stuff churning over in my mind and, to be perfectly honest, I have not been myself since last Friday, 09th September, when I attended the 'Say My Name' event organised by Somerset Suicide Berevement Support.

That evening I stepped out and stood up infront of others who had lost children, husbands, fathers, wives and mothers. I briefly spoke about my daughter Deanie before heading a poem, If Tomorrow Starts Without me. It was one of the hardest things i have ever done and i did not make it through without tears and pauses to compose myself as much as i could.

Why that poem? 

When Deanie made that strond decision that this life was not for her, she did so leaving no explanation, no note and so I looked through search history for the web and YouTube and a couple of poems stood out and this was one of them. For me it helps explain some of her thoughts behind why she chose to leave and i felt that it would be a piece of writing that others might find comfort in...

Never underestimate the power of grief. Since i stood and read that poem, I have not been able to function as normal. I have not been able to write my music reviews and not had much strength or motivation to do very much. It does not help that my Fibromyalgia and Plantar Fisciitis has been causing me a lot of pain too. Which has made walking much harder, as indeed is anything physical, plus the brainfog really does suck...

With all this going on, I could have called someone, the Mind help line, my Suicide Berevement Buddy but, i chose to confide only in my wife Andrea and to mahe the decision to create this blog. Actually, that is not strictly true as I told a couple of people a brief bit of the story at the Engage Somerset, Through The Lens event on Wednesday. I had to do that as I was unable to stay at the event with the prospect that people might ask for the story behind my photos, and i could not do that in that moment...

In amongst all that the house has had to be cleaned and tidied for an angents inspection. Now one thing you should do with fibromyalgia is stay away from stress... Yeah, right... Preping for these inspections is always stressful because it is like you are being treated as caretakers and not as someone living in a home... That has added to me feeling like i'm completely done in. There are some other factors but, they are a small part and not that important right now. When Andrea and I moved here with my son Rowan and our Cats, we simply expected to be allowed to live and not to be treated so poorly after the first inspection, things have improved but, the effects of the letter sent after that first inspection are far reaching and have caused a lot of stress in the years since.

Anyway, i have probably said enough for now, with where my head is at.

So, if anyone else out there experiences day to day life like this in total or in part that know that you are not alone. It is always ok to ask for help, reach out and speak out.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend whatevet for are doing.

Steve

Behind The Infinite - What's It All About?

 Behind The Infinite

What's It All About?

Hi Everyone,

Before I write anything on this blog, the best thing for me to do would be to give you the lowdown on what it will be about and why I called it Behind The Infinite...

Way back in 2017 I began two blogs, Infinite Realities Investigations and Infinite Sounds UK. 

Now Infinite Realities might currently be on a hiatus but, it does not mean I will never post there again. I started that blog to deal with one of my interests, that being the study of Anomalous Phenomena. Anything from Ghosts to Ufology, Ancient Sites to Cryptozoology, Energy Healing and beyond. The Paranormal and such like has always been of great interest to me and along the way I have been involved in several Paranormal research groups, set up one and been the secretary of the Southampton UFO Group (sadly now closed). I have seen and experienced many things I have no rational explanations for and my interest continues to this day.

As for Infinite Sounds UK, that is another story and one that I plan to put into book format. To cut a long story short I wanted to write reviews that were comprehensive and told you whole story of an album, EP or single, to give you a deeper insight to why you should, or even should not, buy a particular release. I also wanted to incorporate some aspect of the spiritual insights I had gained throughout my life and so I began to listen to music and see how it made me feel on a deep level, beyond just hearing it. After a while I began to feel I was getting in touch with the energy behind the music and I decided to put that to good use and began to write what I was feeling. As my writing evolved the blog has become a go to place for reviews that are unlike anything you might have read, it is also a place where many artists come on a regular basis.

Beyond the blogs I saw the opportunity to create a group that would house all the things I enjoy under one umbrela name, that name would be Infinite. So, I decided to go beyond the blogs and made, after some tweeking, Infinite Images to use for and photos or videos I might produce and felt that if anything else came up I just needed to incorporate the Infinite tag to it in some way. 

So, when I decided it might be a good idea, as much on a personal level as any, to create a blog that would detail my daily ups and downs in life, to incorporate it into the Infinite brand and so, eventually, i came up with Behind The Infinite, because the aim here is to write about what goes on behind the blogs, behind the music, behind the pictures, behind it all. We all have a life behind what the outside world see's and this will help you see a bit more of mine...

What can you expect from this blog?

To be honest, I plan to write about anything that comes to mind. My journey through Grief, my Anxiety Disorder, ADD and whatever comes up from everyday life, one day to the next. I plan to be brutally honest as I write, which means there will be coarse language, pain, tears and discussions that might be upsetting or triggering but, I will do my best to forewarn the reader where possible.

Please feel free to read what I write But, if you find something too much or too offensive, please go not get angry or report me. Remember everything I write is my own viewpoint and my own experiences, it's my life. I do not intent to upset, anger or offend anyone. All I will be doing is sharing my thoughts and emotions into words to help myself and if, along the way, my words are able to help someone understand that there are times that is OK not to be ok and it is OK to reach out and ask for help, to open up to someone, anything that serves to help you to be you and for you to be OK, then I will have really achieved something special.

I think that will be enough for now,

The next post will start the journey,

Till then, Be safe and be strong but, more to the point, Be Yourself...

Steve